4/19/11

it's about to get real

I am about to get kinda serious. Sorry if you hate this kind of thing. Just scroll down and skip right on by if you don't want to read. I don't mind :)
 
I was blog-hopping tonight (shocker, right) and I came across something that literally made my heart ache. It was a comment made about someone else's mothering choice. I won't say who or where on in response to what, but this is what it said:
 
"It is a privelege to have children and why? WHY???? would we choose to work outside the home and let someone else raise them through a daycare? especially if your whole pay check would go to PAYING that stranger to feed and care for your children? Why have them if you are going to let someone else raise them?"
 
ouch.
burn.
and not in a funny Ashton Kutcher kind of way.
 
Major burn... because I have thought these same thoughts toward myself. In the past year of me being a working mom I have fought to overcome my insecurities and fears only to have my delicate confidence come crashing down because of comments like this. This person does not know me, I am sure. I know she didn't have me in mind when she said it. But once again - ouch!
 
I am not trying to start a controversy or debate. I don't want a fight between stay at home moms and working moms. In fact, a working mom/SAHM debate is the last thing I am trying to accomplish. I just want to call out the hate and ask that we all stop.
 
Stop the mommy judging
Stop the "My way is better" game. 
Stop trying to one up each other.
 
We all have to make choices and decisions for our family. Our family decision is that I work. And I honestly feel in my heart that I am trying to do what is best for my sweet little son. I am pretty sure most mothers are doing what they feel is best for their children. It is a personal, individual family decision. There are thousands upon thousands of family scenarios out there. I would challenge anyone to take on the task of deciding what is best for each and every one of those family situations. Don't know about you, but I am sure glad I don't have to judge what is best for someone else.
 
Have I mommy judged? Yes, sorry to say. Especially before I had kids I thought I had it all worked out. heh. Boy, was I wrong. No more mommy judging for me. No more judging others, no more judging myself. 
 
 It is a relief to let the judging go. It makes life easier, makes you feel lighter. Thank goodness I only have to mother my own child and not everyone else's. That would be like a billion kids and my sanity is already hanging by a thread with one :)
 
So moms - guess what? We are all moms. We are all muddling through the most challenging task we will ever know - raising children and shaping lives. We need each other's support - stay at home or not! 
 
Are you with me? 
 
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14 comments:

  1. I'm totally with you!! Being a parent is hard enough, why does it have to be a competition?

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  2. Totally agree. Complaining about the way someone else chooses to raise their kids is basically always a bad decision. We are all moms doing the best we can, and making the right choices for our families and our individual kids and situations. Luckily, I think most other moms realize this. You just have to tune the dimwits out!

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  3. I agree I hate when people tell me how to raise my child don't they realize I am doing the best I can.... and learning as I go.

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  4. i am a working mom, and it is my salvation! i stayed home with my son for a year after his heart surgery, way past the time in which he had recovered. after about six months, i started to lose who i was as a person. i didn't like who i became. i had plenty of time with the kiddo, but not any quality time at all. now i have two kids, and i work full time. and my time at home is cherished, filled with activities and memory making. i love our way of life!

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  5. I agree! I am a SAHM because it works for our family. But, that in no way means it does for the family next door or half way around the world. I don't judge working moms, its not my place and honestly, I have better things to do with my time.
    Walk a mile in someone's shoes then try and pass judgement. We can't!
    Women have the power to change the world and we should focus on being supportive and extending a hand to help. Not tear each other down through criticism.

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  6. I do believe the Bible says "Judge not lest ye be judged" and also (paraphrasing) "how can you offer to take the speck from someone else's eye without seeing the plank in your own eye?" It also says, "Let he who is without sin, cast the first stone." My mama always told me, if you don't have anything nice to say,... I do my best not to offer any opinions about other people's parenting styles. Mine is less than perfect but I do my best.

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  7. It seems as though no mothering style can work! SAHMs are criticized for not having a career, while working moms are criticized for not being a SAHM. Oh, BTW, we're all full-time moms (how can you be a mom only part of the time?!), and we're all working mothers.

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  8. You're so right. I have a hard time not mommy-judging. Some things I see as COMPLETELY wrong--but then I have the wild insane child who cuts other kids' hair in kindergarten and has his teacher's READY for school to be out.

    I think we need to support each other in being good mom's. I truly feel that if we listen to our heart, we will know what is best for our children, family, ourselves.

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  9. Well said. I was a working mom with #1 until he was about 2. It was hard to leave him at daycare, but it was our choice. Luckily we had the opportunity arise that I could stay home with our children now. Both were hard for different reasons and both are rewarding. No matter what your children know who their mommy is even if they go to daycare.

    Really like surfing back through your posts. :)

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  10. I don't know if it's possible, but I want to (without appearing judgmental) stand up for traditional stay at home mothering--not because I think anyone here is against it, but I just don't see my views represented in these comments.

    Firstly, yes, of course there are situations where mothers need to work, but I think if we take a look at the rising generation, we will see that kids are suffering because most moms are eagerly seeking to be the exception to the rule...which to members of the LDS faith should be: "Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children." (From the Proclamation on the Family)

    My children have about 12 hours of awake time each day. If I'm at work full time--8 hours, that leaves me 4 hours with them--less if I have a commute. If they're with a nanny or even best case scenario with their dad, I'm hardly fulfilling my call to be the one "primarily responsible" for their upbringing and nurturing and teaching.

    My husband and I have had to take out huge loans to get him through school, but I would never ever trade working outside the home for the intimate way I know my children from being with them practically every single day since their births.

    I believe if most people were committed to this idea, they would be willing to sacrifice for it. If we were in desperate financial straits, I would sell our car and walk everywhere. I would sell our house and move to a small apartment. I would eat oatmeal for every meal and wear hand-me-dowm clothing, but I would never leave my babies.

    "President Ezra Taft Benson has reminded us that the Lord’s way to rear our children is “different from the world’s way. … In the beginning, Adam—not Eve—was instructed to earn the bread by the sweat of his brow. Contrary to conventional wisdom, a mother’s calling is in the home, not in the marketplace.”
    --from a great article in the Ensign:
    http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?vgnextoid=2354fccf2b7db010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD&locale=0&sourceId=2a7727cd3f37b010VgnVCM1000004d82620a____&hideNav=1

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  11. Anonymous - My point was not to debate which way is right or wrong, but only to call out that we should respect each other regardless.

    I appreciate your viewpoint and I believe that you are just sharing what is you believe is right and not trying to start a debate, so I will respect that and will leave it at that.

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  12. Allison - I know I'm, like, a few months late here, but I can't help but comment.

    My heart goes out to you. I have SO been there. I went back to work full time when my babies were 1 and 3 years old. It absolutely broke my heart. I tear up just thinking about it! The guilt is so real - and most of it came from me, beating myself up about it. But I was doing what was best for my family. It really, really helped with the situation we were in at the time - DH had just started a business and we were having trouble making ends meet, to say the least. Comments like the one you quoted up there, I got from my own extended FAMILY members! But at the time, my working (for a paycheck, ha!) was absolutely the right thing for my husband & kids - MY family.

    The funny thing is, now, I'm back to staying at home. (a.k.a. working for no paycheck!) It's the right thing for us at this point in our lives. Yet I still sometimes question whether I'm doing the best thing for my family! I think of all the things we could do...the debt we could be out of...the vacations we could take...the financial strain that would be eased if I worked full time...

    I've come to the conclusion that either way, there's sacrifice. Thank you for being so honest. I absolutely love your blog!

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  13. Rachel - thanks so much for that sweet, supportive comment! It warmed my heart and gives me strength to know that other mommies out there deal with the same issues and insecurities.

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